look no pants
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
