Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
