Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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