You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
