Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
