I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Come share oat with me in your robe
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
