bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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