we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
