last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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