My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
