i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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