girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
