Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
