Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Randomize
