I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
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I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
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He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
do nipples grow back?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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