Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
