after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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