i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
