dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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