I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
