im six kinds of drunk right now
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
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