That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
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