Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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