My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
