You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Randomize
