Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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