Cold hands, warm shart.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
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