My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize