I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
