watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
