allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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