3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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