I am puke
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
