The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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