I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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