I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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