ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
you didnt know i had herpes?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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