im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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