She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
