i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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