Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
i believe in u and ur pee
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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