My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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