so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
