I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Sober January is a disaster.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
