i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
