Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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