Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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