So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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