could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
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