ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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