do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
