Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
