I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
