I puked a lego.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
