he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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