Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
