Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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