I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
